The Phone Call

“Hello?”
“Hey”
“How’s it going?”
 “It’s fine. I’m pretty busy though, you said needed to talk to me and it was really important. What do you want?”
“Yea, but I was really hoping we could meet in person.”
“Why?”
“I mean, I just think this is a conversation we shouldn’t have over the phone.”
“You say that about a lot of our conversations.”
“I know. And we still end up having half of them over the phone.”
“So why does this one need to be any different?”
“Because this is important.”
“You say that about the other conversations too.”
“I think the other conversations we’ve had are important…”
“I’m not saying they aren’t. I’m just saying we had them over the phone and it was fine.”
“Whatever. I’m not going to talk to you about this over the phone. Can we please meet up?”
“Is this about getting your stuff back? I told you I’d get it to you this weekend.”
“No. I’m not in any huge rush about that. I’ve got other T-shirts I can sleep in.”
“Then why’d you make such a huge deal about getting all your shit back ASAP?”
“Because I do want it back, but it’s not why I want to meet up to talk.”
“Oh no. I told you. I’m done talking.”
“It’s not about what you think it is.”
“It’s about us isn’t it? It’s always about us.”
“It’s not really about us. At least not in that way.”
“I knew it.”
“Look I don’t want to talk about ‘us’ any more than you do.”
“I find that hard to believe considering you want to ‘meet up to talk.’ “
“Seriously. Nathan, this is important. Please can we just meet up?”
“I told you I’m busy.”
“It could wait till tomorrow I guess…”
“I’ll be busy then too.”
“Damnit! I really need to talk to you about this! Would you please just humor me at least?”
“You’re crying. You know that’s not going to work on me.”
“I’m not playing a game here. This is serious and you’re too much of a jack ass to realize it!”
“Calling me names isn’t going to help your cause either.”
“God. Screw you. It’s things like this that make me happy we’re over!”
“I thought you wanted to talk?”
“I do want to talk. I just refuse to have this conversation over the phone.”
“But you just said you’re glad we’re over. So what’s there to talk about?”
“Don’t you ever listen? I told you it’s not about what you think.”
“Why can’t you just tell me what all this is about? Give me an idea at least.”
“I can’t give you an idea without having the full conversation on the phone.”
“That’s not true.”
“No, it is. Once I bring it up you won’t leave it alone until we’ve talked about it. It happens every time.”
“Well isn’t that what you want? To talk about it?”
“Yes. BUT NOT OVER THE PHONE.”
“So tell me what it’s about and I’ll decide if it’s worth meeting up over.”
“Doesn’t it matter at all that I think it’s worth meeting up over?”
“No. Not anymore.”
“Hold on a second.”
“What? I was just being honest. You should have seen that answer coming.”
“I’m not talking about your smart ass comments. Hold on a second.”
“I hate it when you put me on hold. Can’t you just call me back?”
“No because whenever I try to call you back you never answer.”
“Because I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I know you don’t. The feeling is mutual.”
“Then why are we still on the phone?”
“Because you’ve got your head stuck too far up your ass to agree to meet up with me in person to have what is quite possibly the most important conversation we will ever have. Now, will you please hold on a second?”
“Sure.”
“And not hang up?”
“No promises.”
“Fine. Never mind.”
“See it wasn’t that important that you needed to waste my time sitting on the phone while you handle god only knows what. I swear you’ve filed your taxes while I was waiting on the other end before.”
“You’re so funny.”
“Quit hitting on me.”
“Did I sound serious to you?”
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
“That noise.”
“I told you I needed you to hold on a second.”
“So what was the noise?”
“I had to pee, ok?”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Sorry you were being too much of an ass to let me go to the bathroom.”
“That’s still really gross.”
“Yea, well I can’t help it.”
“You’re 22 years old. You haven’t learned to hold it?”
“I told you I can’t help it!”
“Why not?”
“Well maybe if we had met in person you’d know by now.”
“What does that mean? What does us talking in person have to do with your lack of bladder control?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“What?”
“I’m pregnant. It’s yours. That’s why I wanted to meet up. Happy?”
“Well… what-- What are you going to do?”
“Can’t we please meet up?”
“Why? We’re already talking about it now.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have bothered telling you.”
“What does that mean? Hello? Stacy?”